It was an ordinary morning of Bible study with an extraordinary outcome.
Knee deep in the book of Esther, I found myself identifying with one of the most evil men in all of Scripture. That’s not comfortable insight from self-examination, let me tell you.
I was face to face with Haman who, after the excitement of dining with the king and queen of Persia, lost his joy because one man didn’t behave as he’d hoped. Haman was on top of the world, thinking himself the greatest in the kingdom. But when Mordecai refused to pay him tribute, Haman’s gladness turned to rage in the blink of an eye.
The story made me feel like I was studying my own life. I’ve experienced that same emotional roller coaster many times - a feeling of elation that comes crashing down in a split second when considering rejection from someone in particular.
I’ve tried, to no avail, to earn the favor of a specific person in my life for far too long. When I’m brutally honest I can name my desire for their approval as what it truly is: bondage. The decades-long quest for what I cannot gain is like hobbling chains. The shackles come from working to gain the approval of men and women. I’d much rather pursue the victorious freedom of working for the approval of God alone. I prefer to work for an audience of One, but I don’t always accomplish that goal.
As I meditated on Scripture that morning in my study, resonating in my spirit were the words of Jesus as He asked the blind men,
“What do you want me to do for you?”
I began to search my own heart and mind, asking “What do I really want? What would fix the situation?” I prayed through one thought after another, considering how I could break free from this prison that’s held me far too long.
The troubling truth swallowed me like deep waters as I admitted before God that what I really wanted was an apology. I wanted to hear more than the shallow words, “I’m sorry,” but longed for a heartfelt, sober, humbling admission of guilt and plea for forgiveness.
The Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, “So you want them to bow.”
“Yes. Yes!” my spirit screamed. “That’s exactly what I want. I want to win this battle. I want to be right and to hear the acknowledgement that I warrant more than I’ve received.” The realization gave my heart pause, because that’s exactly what makes me like Haman. This picture of my true self makes me shudder and turn my head when I look in the spiritual mirror. Ew.
Again the Holy Spirit whispered in a voice I could only feel and not hear, “Would that fix you?”
No, it would not fix me. Because the problem had roots running far deeper than that.
I knew this, but I couldn’t identify the root. I’m learning that I cannot accomplish spiritual things by striving in my flesh, so I asked the Lord to reveal the root problem. Obviously I’ve searched for it for years and can’t put my finger on it. How is it that they push my buttons when I haven’t seen or talked to them in years? Why does their approval hold such importance in my life? How is it - precisely - that they makes me feel?
And the answer came. I allow them to make me feel unworthy and incapable of fulfilling my God-given duties. They pour hot coals onto my already smoldering insecurities. Because of their rejection, I believe consider me ill-suited as a wife, mother, author, speaker, coach, and other roles that God has assigned. If they feel that way, they can convince others of it too. In fact I’ve seen them use their influence to do just that. The looming threat is that they’ll convince those closest to me. And… what if they convince me?
In an instant, after years of striving, the Lord lifted the weight and allowed me to see the absurdity of the entire situation. I found a new measure of resolve.
Why do I allow myself to cower under their scrutiny? I certainly don’t believe Mike is disappointed with me as a wife. Looking back through our marriage, I see that God has grown me into a strong and incredibly supportive spouse. I do not say that pridefully - God gets all the glory. The Lord has taken every moment of my entire life to prepare me - as only He can - to be the wife I am today. Mike and I have walked through fire together and with the Lord’s help, we’ve seen great victory. We’ll face more struggles, but we’ll conquer them, too, with the Lord leading the way.
I began to look at each of my roles in the same light and finally had to laugh. How many years have I wasted trying to please a person who would not be pleased? The energy, the exhaustion, and the baggage have all been a heavy burden to bear.
Christ tells His followers in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
On that particular morning as I wrestled with a very ugly truth about myself, Jesus held my hand and placed my burden upon His kind and loving self. I feel freedom coming. Victory is in my sight as I stop striving to win the favor of others. I trust God will see me through to the final page of this chapter and I’m eager to embrace His best.
Be Strengthened Today, By His Word,
Psalm 119:28
Cathy
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